The Attachment Effect by Peter Lovenheim

Author:Peter Lovenheim
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2018-06-04T16:00:00+00:00

Stage Two: Repairing Attachment Wounds

In this part of EFT, each person has a chance to say what emotions—such as fear, sadness, or loneliness—get stirred up by the other’s behavior and to ask for what they need when they are feeling those emotions. This is the beginning of repairing attachment wounds.

Where there’s been an affair, for example, the therapist will work to understand the emotions of the betrayed partner and what it will take to heal them, and also the emotions of the partner who strayed and what led to that behavior. “This is not condoning the behavior,” Reena emphasized, “just understanding why it happened—but that’s not saying it was okay to do it.”

The first step here is what Reena calls “withdrawer reengagement.” In this case, that meant asking Edgar, “When you get into that cycle with Tiffany where you feel bad about yourself, what does it really feel like?” Reena asked Edgar to describe it to Tiffany. As part of his response, he said it often feels like he needs a hug.

Next Reena asked Tiffany what it really feels like when she’s feeling she can’t trust anyone and that she’s shouldering all the burdens of the family. She asked Tiffany to describe those feelings to Edgar and to tell him what she needs in those moments. Reena also asked Tiffany to talk about how bad Edgar’s affair was for her and how it felt for her. After listening, Edgar apologized and was able to say what disconnection in their relationship had led to the affair and what had changed over the course of therapy that would not allow it to happen again.

As it happened, during this stage of EFT, Tiffany’s grandmother became ill and Tiffany helped care for her during her final days. This turned out to be an opportunity—albeit a bittersweet one—for Tiffany and Edgar to practice what they were learning in EFT. “Reena’s focus was all about how Edgar and I needed each other emotionally in the relationship. That was new to me. I just never realized how much I needed him. So when my grandmother got ill, it helped me realize I could trust and I could turn to Edgar in a time of need.

“Later, when my grandmother died, I let Edgar hold me. He gave me so much comfort. Reena made me realize that I had never been willing to let that kind of comforting into my life. Before, I’d always been pushing it—and Edgar—away. I was scared to let him in because he might leave me—that had been the pattern of my life.”

Edgar remembered it this way: “When Tiffany’s grandma passed away, I was able to comfort her. I felt she let me in and let me be part of her life. I could comfort her and hug her, and finally she’d hug me back.”

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.